Erase and Start Over

The resurfacing memories of a woman with PTSD.

Minipress Mini-Memory

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September 25, 2014 2:43 a.m.

It wasn’t a nightmare. I’m not sure why I was drifting awake again, but I was just floating in a half-awake state when his face appeared. He was smiling, telling me what a good girl I was. I noticed I was clenching my teeth, and then I fully woke up.

Usually when I have a nightmare, I come fully awake with my breathing heavy and my jaw hurting from holding my teeth clenched in my sleep. Sometimes I’m sweating, as if I’d been running. I haven’t had a nightmare like that, though, since they put me on Minipress.

What an easy fix that was. I’ve had nightmares for decades, usually of my sisters screaming and I can’t help them, or of my first husband’s face in the moments before his fingers on my throat made me pass out. Over and over again. As the years went by, I was less afraid upon waking and more likely to run my hand over my face and say “good grief” out loud before rolling over and going back to sleep. I think if I ever got mugged now, I’d probably look at the guy’s knife or gun and just roll my eyes and say “good grief.” But the Minipress stopped those dreams. Weird how my primary care doctor never recommended we give that a try before.

Anyway, tonight is different. I’m remembering something. I don’t know who the man is, but he’s been appearing more frequently since my hospitalization a couple months ago. From what I can piece together, he was a frequent visitor at our house when I was about 10 years old, when mom was in between husbands. I sat up to see if I could remember more – I think better with my fingers on a keyboard – but nothing more is coming. Guess I’ll just go back to sleep. As my psychiatrist says, the memory will come when my brain says it’s ready to handle it.

Since I’ve started taking Minipress, my memories have been surfacing just as I’m falling asleep or just as I’m waking up. It hasn’t happened in the middle of the night before now, but it still feels the same. More curiosity than fear. And a touch of anger, of course, but I’m too tired to let that cinder spark up any further tonight.

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Author: Jo Bautista

This blog, Erase and Start Over, covers topics that can be a little tough to take. If you have PTSD or other mental health conditions, please consider carefully before reading my blog. There will be triggers. I am a middle-aged single parent who has been successfully managing PTSD and severe depression. I can hardly believe my own story about how I got here, especially the resurfacing memories that have appeared decades after they happened. This blog is my place to talk about it as honestly and frankly as possible, given my own doubts about my memory. I have been kidnapped by a parent, beaten, and raped by the time I was 10. Went to five elementary schools. Was beaten and sexually assaulted over the years until I was 25, when my first marriage ended with me in the hospital and him in jail. I know hunger. I know poverty. I know the fear of not being able to keep your child safe, fed, and clothed. I know bankruptcy. I've worked as a stripper and as a legislative analyst and everything in between. I have also known incredible joy and empowerment, heart-filling gratitude, centered peace, and much love. Through it all, the one truth that has helped me rise from the valleys is the knowledge that I can always: Borrón y cuenta nueva. Erase and start over.

Your thoughts are welcome.